Falling into Forgiveness with Gratitude

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli

Forgiveness is one of those hurdles we are all faced with at different times throughout our lives. It's something that we all experience, and honestly, a big part of just being human. At times, we are receivers of forgiveness and at other times, we are the givers of forgiveness. Whether it be forgiveness of self, others, or a situation, forgiveness is a conscious act that takes strength, courage, and awareness. But why is forgiveness so important in our healing and growth journeys? Who is forgiveness really for? Can practicing forgiveness have health benefits? And most of all, how can we fall into forgiveness with gratitude? These are the questions we will explore in this month's GNR Blog.

"It is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned." -Francis of Assisi

Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves and others in order to ensure we are living in the present and not the past. Forgiveness, a noun, by definition, is the act of forgiving, meaning to cease to feel resentment against another; to give up resentment; to grant relief. The word resentment in this definition, I believe is essential to explore, as resentment is a multilayered emotion that can be very toxic and destructive if one is staying in that state. You may have heard the saying "resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to be sick." This is exactly what resentment is, it is anger, disgust, disappointment, and bitterness. It's a feeling of wanting revenge. By internalizing and harboring all those feelings, the only person you're hurting is you. And it should also be noted that it can hurt not only your mental health but your physical health when staying stuck in it.

Living in resentment and unforgiveness is not a healthy place to be. When we hold on to the hurts from others or from past mistakes, we often can unknowingly bring those negative emotions and resentments into our new relationships. Remember, we are then also living in the past, so we are missing out on living in the present and unable to fully connect with ourselves or others. We may also lose important and valuable relationships and connections with others when living in a place of unforgiveness and resentment. Being in this negative emotional space can also impact and increase feelings of sadness, depression, or anxiety. Staying in that heightened level of stress can then take a toll on our physical health. Studies have shown that forgiveness can lower the risk of heart attack, improve cholesterol levels, help reduce pain, and improve sleep, blood pressure, and stress levels. Forgiveness, as a whole, is one of the greatest acts of self-care and self-compassion we give to ourselves. To relinquish the shackles of debilitating negative emotions such as resentment, anger, disgust, disappointment, and bitterness can be incredibly freeing. But how do we begin the process of forgiveness? We must first recognize the negative emotions and how it is affecting us, and then begin to explore what forgiveness may look like for us.

"If you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot forgive others." - D. Muthukrishnan

Self-forgiveness is often believed to be more challenging than forgiving others.

Mistakes we make can often become connected internally with the underlying belief systems we have about ourselves, likely the negative ones. Thus, making self-forgiveness even more challenging. So having to also navigate some of the underlying negative belief systems linked with unforgiveness can be particularly complex. This is why I believe it is important to explore our underlying beliefs, our internal narratives, when approaching the act of forgiving. In my work with clients, this is typically where we start. Often our initial expectation is reconciliation, believing that we must reconnect with that person or situation. But forgiveness of a person, situation, or event does not, by any means, condone their actions, it is an act of relinquishing the shackles of resentment that are keeping you stuck in the past and missing out on the present.

"The simple truth is, we all make mistakes, and we all need forgiveness." -Desmond Tutu

In August's GNR Blog, The True Essence of Gratitude is Connection, we reviewed and explored what the golden thread was; weaving gratitude through all the topics we have addressed this year. No matter the topic, the true essence of gratitude is connection. Last month, having explored humility and gratitude, we could now see how the true essence of gratitude is connection, through humility. Our ability to be open and willing to learn, believing there is something we can learn from everyone who crosses our path, and seeing each experience as an opportunity is, in fact, the essence of humility. Yet now, exploring the forgiveness and gratitude connection, it seems as if the true essence of gratitude is connection, through humility and forgiveness. Through humility, we grow to recognize that forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness now also becomes an integral part of the golden thread.

“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.” - Confucius

The trees are about to show us how beautiful it is to let go of those things weighing us down.

Each season brings a new opportunity to check in with ourselves and recognize and release anything that may no longer serve us. Humbly exploring and evaluating the concepts of forgiveness and where you are, not only with yourself but also with others, is a great way to begin to embrace areas that you may still be holding on to and, in turn, may be holding you back. It is remembering that through this process of letting go, like the change of seasons, is what allows for new growth and discovery in the coming seasons. So, if you had to ask yourself the following questions honestly, could this be the first step in acknowledging areas of forgiveness that you wish to explore?

• How have you defined forgiveness in the past? How would you define forgiveness today?

• When I feel the negative feelings of unforgiveness and resentment, where do I feel it in my body?

• When I think of someone or something I know I have forgiven, where do I feel forgiveness in my body?

• What is holding me back from forgiving myself and what is holding me back from forgiving someone else?

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” -Marianne Williamso

If you are still grappling with the idea of forgiveness, I want to leave you with a few tools and practices that may help you to embrace it. In ancient Hawaiian teachings, the practice of “Ho’oponopono” (pronounced HO-oh-Po-no-Po-no), is the practice of forgiveness. Ho'oponopono truly is falling into forgiveness with gratitude. It is a beautiful tool you may consider trying to embrace to allow yourself to come closer to the idea or even lean into and fall into forgiveness after having explored the forgiveness questions above. I invite you to try this 6-min practice here and explore more on Insight Timer if you found it helpful.

Ho'oponopono translates to cause things to move back in balance. So, by reciting the phrase "I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you," it helps one to get back into balance and cleanse the body and mind of negative thoughts, emotions, and resentments. As a forgiveness practice tool, it can deeply resonate with our inner self-talk and beliefs and help us let go and practice self-forgiveness. Remember the power of our words? In April's GNR Blog, we discussed how to find gratitude in the middle of life's storms and explored Dr. Emoto's work, the Hado phenomenon. In his experiments, water was changed on a molecular level when presented with either positive or negative stimuli. If positive or negative stimuli can impact water on a molecular level, think of the power our words, beliefs or the lack of presence can have on forgiveness. Trying to take the time to first acknowledge and recognize there is something or someone to forgive, yourself included, is the first big hurdle to jump. After this, it is being intentional with our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, time and energy as to practice forgiveness. This can be done in many ways, by using the Ho'oponopono phrase, repeating it, whether to yourself or out loud, "I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you." Maybe consider journaling about each of these four parts. What is it that you are sorry for? Who are you asking for forgiveness? Maybe thanking the universe or higher power for the lesson and experience (grateful for the gift to learn from this), and who you love? Yourself for recognizing the need for forgiveness? Or for another for being open to receiving your apology?

May I also encourage you to explore the idea of releasing something as you begin to embrace the act of forgiveness of self or others? Often times in my work with clients, I like to encourage them to embrace this idea when letting go and practicing forgiveness. This could be sitting in a quiet space at home or nature, picking up and releasing a stone or leaf to remember the moment when you released resentment and embraced forgiveness. This practice often serves as a small reminder of the release and how that moment changes you for the good. There are so many ways to create a releasing ritual to help support your journey in moving forward. Please feel free to share in the comments below ways you may have used techniques like this before to help you become beacons of forward movement and release for others.

With gratitude, may you find forgiveness and clarity this season.

"Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace." -Buddha

Please remember if you subscribe to this blog, share it with a friend, tag someone, like it on LinkedIn, or follow Grateful Never Relapses on Instagram and/or Facebook, you will be entered into a drawing for the final GNR giveaway of 2023 next month. The more you share and like, the greater your chances of winning. (You will be contacted via messenger or email to tell us where to send it.) Keep sharing the love, grateful beings!

About Grateful Never Relapses

Welcome to a community where the belief and mindset is one in which recovery is possible for everyone! We believe that through gratitude, mindfulness, and awareness of all that is around us and within us, recovery is possible. When you shift your awareness to come from a place of gratitude, even in the most challenging or darkest of times, Grateful NEVER Relapses! The hope for this forum is to offer a brave and safe space to embrace your recovery journey with gratitude. We plan to share useful resources and tools to help you embody gratitude into your daily life. While we understand that everyone's journey is unique to them, we hope you are able to share in the power of gratitude in your own healing journey and realize the doors it may open and the walls it may take down, while recognizing and embracing the power of gratitude within!

By: Laura Anne Pasker, LCPC, LMHC, CCTP, Owner & Clinician at Clarity Counseling Solutions, LLC and Grateful Never Relapses